Better..........

I feel better now. It took most of the day for me to shed that fucked up mood but I have done it. I did arrange for the babysitter to get the boys tomorrow and Sam called to say that she's still free to hook up with me. Even after all that I was still uber nuts. Lots of deep breathing and trying not to break down in front of folk (including the kids). whew Sucks to be me today.
Tonight everything went smooth. Supper went well with the kids, I got them showered and blow dried and we read the first 4 chapters of Captain Underpants and The Attack of the Talking Toilets. Cameron is loving it big time. He has such a giggle that comes right from his toes and sometimes sounds like he has the hiccups when he really gets going. Especially when I do the "Tra La Laaaaa" of Capt. Underpants. This will be fast and successful bedtime reading. We have volumes 2 and 3. Must get more. Can never have too many underpants .
Once I had them brushing their teeth I told Richard they were his for putting to bed and I went to Curves to work out some of this funk. I got measured too. For some reason (bloating?) my abdomen was an inch larger but my bust and waist were smaller (2 1/2 inches combined). Also, my body fat is down 4 pounds, not that the numbers on the scale show that. Just goes to show, there is more going on than what the scale says. Building muscle makes it look as though you aren't losing or might even seem like you are gaining! Its good to be patient and not get down about it. All this and I haven't been making it there 3 times a week like I should...doh. Must...Try...Harder.

What is up with this????

I arranged a sitter to collect the boys so I will not need to miss out on time at Scarlet's aaaannnnnddd I can still get out to catch a flick either with Sam or on my own. I need a serious time out. Funny how you don't realise how stressed you are until the smallest thing, such as not being understood due to a language barrier, can just about make you burst into tears. This is me today. I am sick of not being able to find a family doctor and pediatrician because of language barriers, I am sick of not having my friends near, I am sick of feeling incapable of doing all the things I was used to doing before brcause I cannot understand or make myself understood, I am sick of people calling in French and then being rude because I am English, I am sick of calling somewhere and being treated rudely because I am English, I am sick of being the new one and the odd one out...I am just SICK of being here today.
I want my mommy.
I want my friends, the ones that get my jokes, quirks, moods, you name it,...they KNOW me deep inside and there is that comfort in just being together..
I wanna go home.
I wanna go to bed for a week until this passes, whatever this is...
I want the pain in my chest and tummy to go away....
I want.......I just want...and cannot have........

Tension in da house

Yes we have tension..friction..irritation..happening here. It all started Sunday night. I won't say what since its personal in a big way but its just enough to cause a teensy bit of snark that rears its head waaaaay too fast at anything.
Now I can't sleep properly at night...cooincidence? I think not. On top of that and creating more tension:
My plans for Friday are buggered up thanks to someone "forgetting" our agreement for him to pick up the boys from Service De Garde before 6 pm on my class day (once every 2 weeks). The traffic is very very bad in the afternoon from Scarlet's and to make it to pick up the boys before 6 , I must leave her place by 4 at the latest. This so totally sucks. I do not like haveing my plans so totally disregardede in this fashion. i know he just "forgot" but still, he was reminded and it makes me feel unimportant that he can't remember our agreement. I am trying not to feel petty about this...it is his jOB after all..not going out with the guys...grrrrrrrr. deep breathing...
PLUS I such super cool plans for that evening too! I was going to the movies with Sam the Elf(to see Kinky BOots), a fellow volunteer from the MPRC. We have a big gap in age but get along really well and have fun together. Its her last Friday night before going home for summer break and would have been very fun. He has suggested getting our teen babysitter to pick them up but she's not authorised and can't cook the boys supper...Richard suggested letting them order pizza...he will be home around 7 pm.. Maybe if I give written permission today they will let her get the boys....
See? I get so pissed off that I cut my nose off to spite my face and make things worse. I am not being fair..I realise this deep inside...deep breathing...let go of anger... I also need Isabelle for Saturday night since we are supposed to go to richard's coworker friends place for supper... do I want to go? Not really, but he committed us to the supper. The petty side wants to "forget " to book the sitter since I know he hasn't done it.. GODS I am such a bitch!!!!!!!! ugh
banishing nasty thoughts banishing nasty thoughts
This is sooo not healthy. More tension last night when he was supposed to be "helping" Ben with homeork and ended up losing his temper with him. Guys, when you lose it, its scary. You are a gigantic loud person and the child is small and defenceless no matter how big a pain in the ass.
Mama Bear reared her head and ordered him out of the room and took over, soothing the tears and helping with the small bit of homework. To be fair, I lose my temper with Ben too over homework. He gets so whiny and just won't/can't try. This was what the problem was and R just did not have any patience with it at the best of times, and lately his stress levels have been troubling him. So, Why can't I cut R the slack? Because men in a temper are SCARY and it doesn't help the problem involved but makes it worse. I am proud that I came up with a solution to Ben's being overwhelmed with choices, but upset that it came down to angry words (R at B..Me at R). Richard spent the remainder of the evening in the family room downstairs. I went to bed after putting the boys to bed. Trouble sleeping..cooincidence? Ended up on the couce for the 3rd time this week so that I wouldn't keep Richard awake with my tossing and turning.
We finished the reading aloud of Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince last night. I can't wait to start something new tonight. Captain Under Pants perhaps? After those maybe we will go to Chapters and get something new and exciting and entertaining. And not quite so looong in chapter length.
I feel a bit better now having vented...I've been feeling a bit lonely because of all this and was wondering if my meds had stopped being effective or something because I have been depressed the last few days but now feel better able to make things better. Thank you Blog.

A fun bit of oddness that I enjoy....

......The Infinite Cat Project. Go here now...run, run like the wind! http://www.infinitecat.com/infinite/cat1.html
Hope you find something to make you smile today. You deserve it!


Love, Me

What a girls wants..........

........... while visiting Hobbes' tiger cage I came upon a link to an article about men's roles ( http://www.macleans.ca/topstories/life/article.jsp?content=20051031_114332_114332 ). It got me to thinking....what do WE want in a man??? Of course every woman will answer differently about what they like in a man. As a married woman should I even be considering what I "want" in a man when I have one? Hmmm...thats a conundrum ain't it. Well I maybe married, and usually in love, but I am not dead in that an attractive (to me) male can't make my nostrils flare and tummy flutter. In examining what I would like in a FANTASY man I am very contradictory...and I think that this is where the mixed signals men have come in, in general. Poor little things..while we bitch about men wanting brainless barbi doll women that drop trou at the wink of an eye, are we any better..or less confusing? This article looks at how girly men have become in media...do we look for this in real life/ hmmmm....
I like men that dress nicely...not like magazine cover but not in ripped sweats either. Guys, find the middle ground! Those of you that have, BRAVO! Those of you that go around in sports shirts and baggy ass pants..get a friggin' grip.
I like men that are funny but not "on" all the time...that is tiresome. A dry sense of humor and a sense of the ridiculous is stimulating.
I like men that have some gallantry or chivalry towards women but please do NOT let us walk all over you...cuz we will! And who can respect a doormat?
I like a man who is sensitive but not a cry baby..oh boo hoo the poor "insert downtrodden people or animals here", i just get so choked up!! Uuuumm..not attractive. Suck it up! Care but don't be a sooky! Whiney ass.
See how contradictory I am?
Plus, I don't want to be bossed around and told what I can or cannot do...who do you think you are my Father?? Piss off! But in the bedroom sometimes a gal LIKES to be overcome by the male (in a GOOD way). It makes some of us feel attractive, desirable, irresistable, and feminine..especially those of us that tend to be strong and capable...take that burden off our shoulders sometims eh? We don't always want to be the aggressor or leader in the sack although it can be a power trip by times and enjoyable for y'all as well I am sure. But to have to do aaaalll the work all the time? C'mon! There must be a balance....
So..I want a funny, well presented , sensitive man thats an uncouth over sexed mercenary/pirate in the sack...what's so wrong with that?

Welll...That was redundant.......

I thought Sundays post haddn't published......
It is Tuesday...drizzly and cold. I am noticing my energy waxes and wanes with the sun these days..Shitty days and I wanna sleep all day (I don't! I just wanna), sunny days and I am a hyperactive space monkey (in comparison). Odd, no?
Sooooooo, test on Friday (stone lore)and I think I am going to go to a movie Friday night after being at Scarlet's. I want to see Kinky Boots or Slither, each movie featuring a Serenity cast member. Now, Kinky Boot's story appeals to me most BUT Slither starts Cap'n Tightpants, Nathan Fillion. Dilemma! Whichever one I choose I must attend ALONE since the husband is not interested in attending either. Oh for the days when we humored each others idiosyncracies.... Oh well. I don't have to share the popcorn aaaannnnd no pressure to put out afterwards. That is a joke. Richard's not like that....I AM. hahahahaha
Not sleeping well the last two nights...what's up with that? Usually I can sleep anywhere anytime. I'm the Queen of Z's. I blamed Sunday nights insomnia on coffee in the after noon. But last nights? No idea. Just twitchy. Slept on the couch again. Thats usually a sure fire cure...that and my psych text from second year university except its reeeeeaaallly heavy and hurts when it falls on my face.
On todays list on stuffs: laundry, as always (Nudism NOW)
study stone lore
finish Stress reading
figure out what I need to know for Fridays class
Vacuum upstairs
assorted cleanings (why is the bannister sticky???!)


Going back to bed is lookin' reeeeeeeeeaL GOOD. EXCEPT I SPENT MOST OF YESTERDAY ON THE COUCH WATCHING fIREFLY AND FOLDING LAUNDRY
Ooops.cap lock.....sorry.

Back Again

Last couple of times I came on here things weren't working very well. Nice to be back.
Yesterday we went for a drive to Pepiniere Leblanc where we purchased a wisteria (Cooke's Purple). Its going to be sooooo shiny someday. Its not unusual for them to be persnickity about blooming for the first few years. When we got back to town we hit Canadian Tire for some compost and I also got a very sad looking Hanakisoi tree peony and a Mr president clematis. Yesterday was a very rainy and wet chilly day. Once home I started by pulling on my shiny new red gardening gloves and digging out the ugly cedar at the front of the houise. In went the wisteria with lots of compost etc. Then I popped out a wigeilia (sp?) shrub and something ugly to replace them with tree peony and clematis. After all that ...what to do with that 5 foot cedar?? I dug a hole and stuck it in near the drive way.
All this took about an hour and a half and boy did I have fun. I was soaked, chilly, and covered in mud from top to bottom. I love playing in the rain!!!!

testing

testing

What a great day...........

Today was so awesome. We jumped in the car, went to Dunkin' Donuts for coffees (and donuts for the rest of the crew, not me) and continued on to Pepiniere Leblanc. The owner was working and was very nice even though I couldn't understand him, but thats what Richard is for. We bought a Cooke's Purple Chinese Wisteria. After that we went for a drive along the Mille Iles. It was a great way to spend a rainy day. Once back in Terrebonne we zipped into Canadian Tire for compost and I also got 2 packaged plants..a tree peony called "Hanakisoi", and a clematis called "Mr. President".
Once home I tugged on my new red garden gloves and started digging. Remember..it was raining too but did that stop me..OH NO! By the time I had dug up the cedar tree, replaced it with the wisteria, yanked out a weigilia and replaced it with the tree peony, yanked out something I don't like to make room for the clematis, and then dug a hole to replant the cedar by the drive way..about an hour and a half... I was dripping wet and covered in mud. And soooo happy! I love it when Richard gets in a mood to buy landscaping stuff !! It was a learning experience too..I never knew my husband of 12 years (June 11th) likes purple flowers. How cool is that to still be learning something new about my life partner? On the flip side..why did he not tell me this years ago?? MEN!

I am excited (day after Earth Day)

Richard surprised me today by announcing an outing. We are going for a drive in the countryside (in about 15 minutes) to visit a garden center he found while out for an explore. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! So excited!!!!!!
I am hoping to find something to plant as a celebration of Earth Day (one day late)..a tree hopefully. I have a spot that would probably suit a tree but haven't prepared it. If worse comes to worse I will get some compost to spread around the gardens.

My man knows how to make me happy and thats a fact!

Also ...still reading the stress book. It makes a lot of sense. Its a tiny book but my reading is a in the form of a page here and there as I can grab the moments.

Gosh..I hope I find a nice something at the garden center..I hope its a good place...hyperventilating now.........

LOTUS SUTRA

Marina from the MPRC started a gardening and harvest elist for those interested in food production. Would be interesting for those with concerns regarding world food production or organic gardening. She made me moderator and we ned more members to get some activity going. I have a link on my sidebar....help us make this a going concern.

Still Pickin'

But not much grinnin' ... I still found nits on Ben today. Grrr... Lets hope that I do eventually get them all.

I wish I had've had an Emergency Lice Plan prepared for this. A good nit comb (instead of the ones that break), tweezers, magno spectacles (so i could see the stupid little $%^&ers), and a natural method of treatment instead of the toxic shampoo. I have mega guilt about that shampoo.
Now that I am not freaking out anymore and the mountains of laundry are nearly gons, I have checked out somemore lice info and concocted a remedy that could work.

In a small bottle (like a travel shampoo bottle) combine the following:
5 tsp olive or coconut oil
5 drops each : tea tree, peppermint, and eucalyptus essential oils
8 drops each: geranium, rosemary, and lavender essential oils
2 tsp baby shampoo

Cap the bottle and shake well. Apply entire mixture to the scalp and hair making sure to distribute heavily through out the hair strands and the hairline. Cap with a shower cap or wrap in a towel (prevents dripping into the face)and let sit 1 hour. Long hair and adult heads will require more of the mixture so double it and use what you need.
After an hour, add some warm water and lather up the head thoroughly and rinse well with as hot water as you can stand. You will probably want to shampoo again with a shampoo of your choice since the hair retains a fair bit of the oil. After you are done, blow dry the hair and commence to clearing out remaining nits and/or lice.

Lice may be repelled by adding a drop of each oil to your final rinse when you know that lice are around but you haven't yet contracted them. Also, regularly do a head check.
Wish I'd known this last week.

With all of this I didn't do a danged thing to celebrate Earth Day unless you consider trying to be less toxic in our approach to delousing. Planted no trees, picked up no trash.
The guys are gone to the Monster Truck Spectacular at The big O. The boys are tickled and Richard is excited to go with them and have guy fun. My boys are car crazy..they always want more Hot Wheels, rent Hot Wheels videos....you name it . This is a perfect outting for them although I have those dang mother concerns about indoor air quality and sound levels at these things. Party pooper that I am.
I'm gonna rent a video and find something to snack on....

Happy Earth Day and...............

Support Equality Now http://www.equalitynow.org/english/index.html by attending the Montreal charity screening of the sci fi film, Serenity. For more detail go to http://www.equalitynow.org/english/index.html . Have fun and support a worthy cause. Find a screening in your neck of the woods.

Its Earth Day...how will you honor and nurture this place we call home? This organism that gave us all life and continues to support us? What can you give back, however big or small? Think about it...... http://www.earthday.ca .

Nit picking

The saga continues............ Today is LAUNDRY and picking through hair. Can you spell tedious? Well..ya can NOW! Its right there in the last sentence. man, those #$%^ers are hard to see (nits). I went through Cameron's hair again this morning but couldn't find anything (Thank you Lady). I just finished going through Ben's hair and found nothing leggedy but did find some nits. I will be checking again for any I missed. The poor kids gonna be bald by the time I'm done I think.
I must say my favorite time of day (besides nightime sleeping) is being online and also watching the opening part of Regis and Kelly. Kelly Ripa totally cracks me up. I mean, the could lose Regis and just give her a guest host every day because thats usually when its REALLY funny. So i'm on here doing whatever but in the background the TV is on. Oh man and yesterday it was WAY funny because Craig Ferguson was the guest host. He's the Scottish actor that used to be on Drew Carey. He is really really funny. Apparently he has a late night show...I don't have cable so I dunno. bets its friggin' funny though. Once the guests come on R+K I tune out. its the openning banter and sharing of opinions and stuff that I enjoy. After that, meh.
Its good to have a laugh...especially today.

Head mice

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a case of head lice in the house and I am creeped way out. ick ick ick I checked the boys Monday night because there had been a notice from school and found nothing. Tonight Ben was saying his head was itchy and Voila...creepy crawlies.
Ugh...Anyways, I ran to the pharmacy for special (poisonous) shampoo and nit combs and prayed he was the only one. So far nothing on Cameron or us. My skin is still crawing though.
Then the pain in the ass factor...4 beds worth of bedding to go through the washer and dryer and stuffed toys etc to bag up for a week or more. Also vacuumed his room and will daily.
Off to research in case I missed something.

I felt pretty.........

.and then I didn't. Why? well, I got my hair cut in a cool stylish 'do and later went to Curves where I sweated like a horse thats been run hard and put away wet. Bye Bye cool stylish 'do. Hello wet sweaty hair that wouldn't go back into 'do.
I wonder how much Nancy would charge to come over every morning and blow dry my hair? Or I could go there! sigh.. The bob was easy BUT was just getting dull for me after 4 years..or maybe it was 3...
Anyhoo. Here we are DAY 3 of getting back on track. I've been pretty darn good so far. Gotta keep the snackables near for that sudden uncontrollable NEED for bad things. TIP: Craving carbs or sweets? Eat a dill pickle. It really really works. After a pickle or two (they are small ones in my fridge) I no longer want whatever I have been prowling around for. Baby carrots help too but are higher in carbs (and I can eat a lot of them while watching TV). Better than candy or ice cream or chips though so what the hell! And I got about an hour of exercise between cycling to and from school with the boys and going to Curves.
Yesterday was AMAZING for being out doors! They have been trimming the trees around the school property and I grabbed a big branch of hawthorn and shoved it into the car when I went to the school at lunch time. After school I snipped off twig, trimmed off bigger bits for wands and a stang, and had a big piece left to be a pronged staff. I need to peel bark off and let them dry...or split the bark, let them dry, and the bark will come right off then. Very productive use of community tree trimmings....A house up the road has birch trimmings bundled for pick up and the guy next doot cut down his apple tree............. hmmmmm
STRESS: I am reading the book about Stress for class. A lot of it is common sense ..at least to this house. Years ago Richard had heart concerns and ended up in ICU. Talk about scary!!! Turns out it was stress related. We learned a lot about coping and reducing stress. With my depression problems, first job was to try stress relieving methods to see if that was enough to help (it wasn't enough BUT it does help). Deep breathing exercises daily, physical activity that gets your heart rate up, and stretching are big winners in this house. Richard really benefits from the activity. This week he was feeling his stress level rising to a danger level (meaning skipping heart beats and numbness)..a half hour at night on the trainer knocked that right out! As we discussed this I told Richard he should try deep breathing daily also ...with modern stress levels we are constantly in "fight or flight" mode..shallow breathing and tense muscles. Deep breathing helps us release that and increases the oxygen flow, resulting in a better feeling of well being. i especially like to deep breath and chakra visualise before sleep at night.
I'm tellin ya..it really helps.

Day one.........

Day One..under my belt. I accidentally drank some juice this morning and also ate too many almonds this afternoon and evening. Other than that I was in control all day. Also, everyone is alive! woohoo
Looks like we made it...lalalalalala...... for day one anyways. And tomorrow is another day.

$%^&*$%^&!!!!!!!

I feel like a total dipshit. I completely forgot about Christiane's stone lore workshop on Thursday and now can't afford to go. #$%^&. If I only had a brain that works!!!
I switched cat litters last week. i know...how exciting! well, it is for me. Its a corn cob based clumping litter that one can flush. HA! Take that stinky garbage..take that looming cloud of bowel obstruction worry...

Night time

I must say I like this color..easy on my eyes.
I finished the book Stolen by Kelley Armstrong. Some laundry got done today as well so i wasn't a total waste of oxygen. hahahahaha
My class on Friday is postponed until next week which is good because the stone lore isn't sticking very well yet. So i do what any reliable student does when the info needs to stick..I did my nails.
Yes NAILS. I have somehow stopped nail biting. Of course I've been eating all the wrong things so maybe with the diet pressure off, my nails caught a break. I've vowed that tomorrow I would REALLY be back on track again. Its soooo hard. The first week is always the worst when the cravings are strongest and I'm tired and cranky and a bit sickly feeling. I'm grasping for that ever elusive will power. Its not been strong for awhile and I need it back . So, tonight was manicure time. They look graet and by this time tomorrow..will probably be a mess of chipped polish. It never lasts...sigh. Why do I bother? Cuz I'm a GURL.
So..tomorrow will probably NOT be a good day what with the re-commencement of low carb life. Consider the 'verse warned.

Happy Chocolate Day!

So..the last few days have been busy and also not busy.
Friday we were all home and did some yard work..we dug up the bridal wreath spireas from the back yard and replanted them across the front yard. That was a job with a capital J.
Then later I puttered at a backyard flower bed pulling weeds and enlarging. Richard and Ben got in 9 holes of golf at the practice range, which i find so cuuuuuute. Poor Cammie bear was down with a fever..he crashed on the couch and snoozed for about an hour or more.
Saturday Cam was much better and Ben's birthday celebration at Recreatheque in Laval. as a result we have declared a moritorium on birthday parties for at least one birthday for both boys. We are BP'd out. I mean..you spend a freakin' fortune and the kid WHINES and bitches 75 percent of the time. Or you get stressed out like crazy to make your child HAPPY....Hello!?its his birthday..he's already happy!!!!!! We've had it and need a break from bithday parties. The next ones are family affairs..no outsiders! We will do non stressful things like catch a movie in ENGLISH (cammie's birthday trip to the movies was french so the guests could understand) and maybe eat out or spend the money from a stupid party outting on a cool gift or something. OR put some money in the bank for a change.
I am a terrible mother, I know it...this was my 9th year of birthday parties and I just suck at it.
Easter was today, not that I celebrate easter but anyday that calls for chocolate can't be bad so the Bunny did his annual visit. Plus, my kids were raised witn easter...how do you take away the bunny just because your personal beliefs have changed? Plus I still like the bunny visits. i am a bad mother and a hypocrite.
Last night Cammie woke with a rash and "hurting". He breaks out in rashes after viruses sometimes so we gave him some ibuprofen and Reactine and let him sleep in the big bed.
Today he was fine as can be again. We had a nice lazy day and went to Chapters where the Bunny got me 3 books! LOL The Bunny felt guilty because someBunny got him chocolate and he didn't do anything for hisBunny. heh heh heh. One was the Serenity novel based on the movie that a certain Crimson temptress showed me at her house. I also got two books by an author whom I'd enjoyed in the past. Name is escaping me at the mo' but she wrote Bitten, Stolen, and Haunted. i bought the latter two today having read Bitten before. werewolf smut! woohoo.
This week I need to study and practice for my testing this Friday on Stone lore and the practice is so i can journal about it. i so suck at practicing..which is why i can't play guitar after lotsa lessons.
Anyways, off i go into this good night.

Good night, sweet princes/esses............