Saturday

You know, I get pretty enthusiastic pretty easily and my staying power is pretty weak. Its been a week and an bit and I am cranky with the whole food thing. I am NOT hungry. Not at all actually. I just want to eat things I shouldn't. Lets call it withdrawals because I seriously believe thats what it is. I am trying to break a life long habit of over eating and indulgence in food and lemme tell you, its not easy AT ALL.
I feel like a recovering alcoholic at a bar when I go out. All around me, people are eating and drinking yummy wonderful tasting things that are LOADED with calories my body cannot afford to have. It makes me angry. It makes me disgusted. It makes me sad. Or is it ME thats making me feel those feelings? Chicken and egg, non? I am 5 foot and a 1/2 inch and weight 207 pounds. My body cannot live like this anymore and I am resentful of the rest of the world for going on like normal.
My right leg has been painful for 3 weeks...my knee and hip complain at the weight. I am winded by everything. Although my physical pronounced me healthy, who are we kidding?? This IS NOT HEALTHY!!!!!
I am not in this to be a bombshell in a bikini. Thats NEVER gonna be my reality no matter what I weigh. I am in this to regain health and self respect. Looking better is a happy side effect.
I feel like "How long am I going to be able to do this??" when I know the answer has to be "Forever". I think what I really mean is "When will I be able to just do this and not have to feel obsessed with food, good or bad?"
I fear the answer will be "Never" and that makes me want to give up....just one more reason to "accept myself", right? One more reason to binge on chocolate or ice cream or pasta or ANYTHING. How sad is it that everyfood is a comfort food? Am I that needy? Maybe.
A part of me longs just to crawl into a comforting lap and be cradled and understood and comforted...given strength and solace. If I could find a quiet time and place it would be a good thing to meditate and pray. For now I journal it here, ugliness and all. I have had very MEAN and UGLY HATEFUL thoughts about the world around me as I forge ahead on this new pathway. Its very childish actually because there is noone to blame for anything except myself and I do know that.
Gotta breathe deep, center, ground...whatever...and find some peace.